I buggered my leg bringing home cat litter and cat noms. Smallest cat repays me by leaping onto my chest, farting and running away.
Finally got the next chapter finished and up!! Thank you all for your kind words and patience!
I’ve been asked many times why I’m so negative about how I look. People seem to be genuinely curious why I think I’m ugly and fat and disgusting. So let me explain why my self-esteem is in the toilet and why it’ll take YEARS to recover from the negativity in my past.
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was always deemed “ugly” by my classmates. I had crooked teeth, poofy and unmanageable curly hair, and in the fourth grade I was forced to start wearing eyeglasses. But as I got older, I started to put on weight too; until I ballooned to 187 (maybe larger) pounds in my senior year of high school.
I was always made to feel ugly; I was called names. My sexual orientation suddenly became a point of interest and everyone assumed I was a lesbian. And you know how idiotic people are, they used that as a way to insult me (regardless of the fact that I’m not gay, but even if I was that shouldn’t matter anyway). So a lot of people enjoyed calling me a ugly, fat lesbian.
Clearly, I was never found to be physically appealing to anyone. However, I was told during my freshman year of high school that a friend of mine was interested in me; which was stunning because I had had a crush on him since seventh grade. Well, nothing came of it. He found out our mutual friend had told me that and avoided both of us for weeks. But even when he came around again, nothing ever happened. In fact, he started to date someone else and completely stopped talking to me until they broke things off.
During our senior year, he made it a point to pull me aside and say regardless of what anyone said in the past; he never liked me that way. So it was like a sucker punch to the face and in a way it still is. Because what appeared to be my only mutual attraction for someone was dashed completely. And to this day, for some reason, he will not be friendly with me. I don’t want him anymore (thank god), but he refuses to even be a friend of mine on Facebook and that stings because we were such good friends in the past.
All that name calling and humiliation, eventually led to me dieting and exercising a bit. I dropped thirty odd pounds in a two month period, but packed on ten-twelve on almost immediately. But then I became stricter with my diet and I was sitting “pretty” on 149. And the only way I lost any more weight was by vomiting. I got down to 139 then 129 and eventually 123.
The weight loss didn’t help any, though. I gained back weight because purging isn’t indicative of true weight loss anyway (and I was still pudgy). So I started to exercise at home; when that wasn’t enough, I joined the gym this year. I initially only went five days a week and did yoga at home for one day. Then I got a personal trainer and when I didn’t see results I wanted; I got a different personal trainer and I now go to the gym six times a week. I restrict my diet and when I fail, I purge.
I’m at 124.4 pounds right now. And it doesn’t help; no one will ever want me. Or in the very least, there will be no one I want who wants me. I’m not going to sit here and say no one hasn’t shown an interest in me; they have, but I don’t share those feelings. I also generally only get interest shown in me when I’m in cosplay; which is fine and dandy, but none of that is exactly real. It’s not my real hair, it’s not how I really look.
So that’s why I hate myself; why I think I’m ugly and why I think I’m going to die alone. I might look better today, but I’ll always remember being called fat and ugly; ignored and talked to meanly by boys because my elementary school friends were cuter than I was. And being picked on by some guy in high school because my lip was pierced and I was the size of a boulder.
And that picture (above) feels like a lie. It doesn’t feel like I could ever be remotely attractive to anyone when all my life I was anything but. So while my outer appearance has changed, my innermost thoughts haven’t. I’m still that fat piece of shit, who nobody liked and everyone thought was creepy and disturbed.
I’m so sorry you feel that way - I can’t tell you how to feel and I know it’s really hard to change it even over a lot of time. I just want you to know that you are lovely and you are not alone in feeling this way. Sending you lots of love and hugs x